Beany Burgs

You're getting that summer itch.
You may or may not be constipated.
You definitely want some dank ass somethin' off the grill.

THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING FOR DINNER:

To the rescue, duh.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 Cup Uncooked Brown Rice
• 2 (16 oz) Cans Black beans, Rinsed and Drained
• 1 Green Bell Pepper, Diced
• 1 Onion, Quartered
• 1/2 Cup Sliced Mushrooms, diced
• 6 Cloves Garlic, Minced
• 3/4 Cup Shredded Cheese (use whateva cheese your heart desires)
• 2 eggs
• 1 tablespoon Chili Powder
• 1 Tablespoon Ground Cumin
• 1 Tablespoon Garlic Salt
• 1 Teaspoon Hot Sauce
• 1/2 Cup Dry Bread Crumbs, or as Needed if Mixture is too Moist. (If gluten free, GF oats, breadcrumbs, or flour will suffice)

Start off cookin' the brown rice in a large pot of boiling water. We cooked the rice by boiling 3/4 cup rice in 5 cups water for 30 mins, straining like pasta, then covering and letting the rice steam in the pot for 10 additional minutes. You'll have rice perfection that even Mulan would honor.

Preheat the grill. <<---Very important step here.

Now comes the messy part. As a disclaimer, you might want to make sure you have a partner or two in this patty-making endeavor; shit is gunna get messy, trust us*. Here goes nothin!

Mash the black beans in a large bowl until they become pasty. This may require some strength and agility, but we believe in you. Next, add the chopped veggies, cooked rice, and cheese into the bowl and mix together. Whisk together the eggs, spices and hot sauce, and combine. Then, add the breadcrumbs and mix until mixture is goopey and will hold together. We added extra crumbs because we love crumbs here.

The mixture might resemble highly fibrous dysentery. If it does, you will know that you're on the right track. No, really.

(Poop right? We wouldn't lie to you)

Now its time to form the patties. Jessica, being the most skilled with her hands, formed some pretty hefty patties out of this concoction. We used flour (cornstarch or GF flour if you cannot have gluten) to form the patties so the mixture would not stick to our hands. Well, it still kind of did, but the mess is a damn  unavoidable part of this beany blast.

(We think hands add a little extra flav'a)

Form the patties and place them on a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil. Slide the foil and patties directly onto the grill and cook until browned and crispy like the Colonel. It took us about 8-10 minutes on each side.

And the finished product:

Let's not forget beany burg accessories. It is against our moral belief systems to cheat ourselves on the deliciousness that are burger condiments and added delectable vegetables. Here's what we put on our burgs that created a soiree of tantalizing burger-domination amongst ourselves and guests.

• Buns (Jessica used Onion buns and Michaela used Gluten-free Udi's Buns)
• Cream Cheese/Chipoltle pepper spread (it is what it sounds like: cream cheese mixed with a finely chopped chipoltle pepper. Enjoy ya'self with that secret spread from the heavens)
• Red Leaf Lettuce (it looks fancier than romaine or iceburg... and your friends may just think you're fancy too)
• A pinch of Feta (because why the hell not?)
• Avocado, indubitably.
• Diced roasted red bell pepper
• Red Onion

Enjoy Ya'self!

Love,

Jessica and Michaela

***Tip From the Experts***

Another reason to have amigos amongst you as you venture into BeanyLand, is because your kitchen will turn into a war zone. Use blackmail or indimidation to coerce said amigos into helping you clean.  



Meatless Shepherd's Pie

So you're missing Mama's comfort food and craving everything under the sun; you should treat yourself to our Meatless Shepherd's Pie. We are about to unveil what might ordinarily look like a mushy mess, but is surprisingly delightful (just close your eyes). Just kidding. Kind of.

Ingredients:

• 4 Cups Diced Raw Potatoes
• 1 Cup Diced Onion
• 1 Cup Green Beans
• 1 Cup Carrots
• 1 Cup Mushrooms
• 1 Cup Broccoli 
• 1 Can Sweet Peas
• Seasonings (Garlic, Pepper, Salt, Italian Seasoning)
• Olive Oil
• 2 Tbsp Flour (Use corn starch OR flour substitute if gluten-free)
• 1 Cup Burger Substitute
• 1 Cup Milk (We used almond milk; but use whatchya want)
• Water As Needed (To "un-thicken" the veggie mixture)

We all know how to make mashed potatoes. Don't make us explain it. If you need us to explain how to make mashed potatoes, then this blog is none of your damned business; you should probably talk to your f*cking mom. We digress...

Meanwhile, chop veggies and place in a saucepan with olive oil (2tbsp to start, add more oil if veggies are sticking/burning). Saute for about 6 minutes or until veggies start to soften. Then add burger substitute and saute for 5-8 minutes longer. Add seasonings to taste (don't get buck-wild with the salt; ya don't need any more of that). Next, add flour and milk and let thicken. If it's not thick enough- add flour. If it's too thick- add milk. Is it rocket science? Probably- but we don't ask....

Now that your veggie mixture is thick and creamy, evenly spread into a casserole dish. Next, dollop those mashed taters right on top. Sprinkle with desired seasonings (we used garlic pepper, parsley, and red pepper flakes), we also used shaved Parmesan 'cause we were feelin' a little classy, but that's up to you).

Now here's some visuals... Feast your eyes on this:

Bake this delightful sludge for about 30 mins at 400 degrees. Let cool, dig in, and enjoy ya'self.

Love,

Michaela and Jessica

Potato Rolled Tacos

Growing up in East County, we didn't exactly learn a lot of class, but we learned to love our Mexican food. When ya need a break from artery-clogging, beef filled tacos, get down with this delectable vegetable spin on ¡taquitos deliciosos!


Ingredients:

• 1 Package of Yellow Corn Tortillas (However many your stomach desires)
• 4 Large Baking Potatoes
• 1 Can Diced Green Chilies (Look for the tiny can, you'll know)
• 1 Bundle O' Chives 
• A Whole Lot of Oil *
• 1/2-1 Cups Milk
• 1 1/2 Cups Pepper Jack Cheese
• Spices (We used garlic, parsley, salt & pepper to taste)
• Shredded Lettuce (Pre-packaged is just fine)
• Sour Cream
• Cotija Cheese or Queso Fresco
• Diced Tomatoes
• Guacamole

Embark on this journey by chopping the potatoes into small cubes (we left the skin on, all the nutrients are in there... duh!) and boil them as you would mashed patayters. Once they're soft, mash them up but don't get buckwild, leave a lil' structure. Add the green chilies, milk, cheese, 3/4 cup finely diced chives, and plenty of spices.

Start by heating up A LOT of oil in a deep frying pan or wok (make sure there is enough oil to cover the tacos, we seriously used 4 or 5 cups of oil). Now shit gets a little tricky, you'll need at least a two-man team for this venture. Designate a tortilla warmer and have him/her warm the tortillas one at a time until they're soft and pliable. Pass it on to the potato roller who will then plop a hefty tablespoon of your potato concoction onto the center of the tortilla. Next, roll the tortilla and secure it shut with three toothpicks. Make sure to use three, one just won't cut it and you will end up in taco peril. Let's just say nobody likes a loose taco. Now get to fryin'. This is some dangerous nonsense, so use a long spatula or tongs to gently drop the tacos into the oil.

Here's what shitty, one tooth picked failures look like:

And here's what glorious rolled tacos look like:

Once the tacos are all in and organized in your pan of hot, sizzling doom, stand back and let them fry for about 7-8 minutes until they get hard and golden brown. Now flip the tacos over and let them fry for 2 more minutes. Remove and place on a plate lined with aluminum foil and paper towels to A) Keep them warm and B) Absorb some of that grease!

Don't get scared if you see some crunchy brown stuff in the pan or on the ends of some tacos, that's just extra fried potatoes that seeped out of the ends. This is totally normal and adds a little extra flava!

Now top with as much cheese, shredded lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, diced tomatoes, and chives as you could possibly want. Enjoy!

Tips From the Experts:

1. If you use olive oil, just remember that it will add a little bit of an earthy flavor to the tacos. If you're a noob and don't think you can handle this, stick to vegetable oil- it'll get the job done.
2. Some potatoes are going to float out into the oil, so just accept that the ends will be crunchier and a bit empty. When have you ever found a rolled taco filled to the end? It's just science, plain and simple.
3. If your tortillas are ripping when rolling, that means they're not hot enough... do over.

Now make this and tell us what you think. Enjoy ya'self!

Love,

Michaela and Jessica

Creamy Cilantro Avocado Primavera

Here's a recipe we conjured up that makes a tantalizing alternative to your everyday cellulite-inducing alfredo. Feel free to thank us for providing you with this delectable creaminess without the calories!

Check this out.


Ingredients:

• Your Favorite Pasta Noodz (We used Trader Joe's Brown Rice Fusili, just for shits n' gigs)
• 3 Medium Sized Avocados
• 1-2 Cups Halved Cherry Tomatoes
• 1 Medium Sized Green Bell Pepper
• 1 Can Quartered Artichoke Hearts
• 1 Lemon
• 1/4 Cup Chopped Cilantro
• 2 Tsp Dried Basil
• 1 Tbsp Garlic Powder
• 1 Tbsp Minced Garlic
• Black Pepper to Taste
• 3 Tbsp Olive Oil
• Shaved Parmesan 

Start by chopping the bell pepper, tomatoes, and cilantro (veggie heart optional).

In a separate bowl, mash the magical avocados with lemon juice, cilantro, basil, garlic powder, and pepper. Like seriously, get down till it's smooth and creamy.

Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Add minced garlic and chopped bell pepper, then sauté for approximately 3 minutes. Next, add artichokes and sauté for 1 minute. Lastly, add tomatoes and sauté for about 2 minutes or until them tamaters soften up real nice (they'll look juicy and slightly wilted). Mmm babayy!

While you're sautéing the vegetables, add the pasta to boiling water and cook for about 10 minutes or until al dente (firm and tender, everybody!). Finally, drain the noodz and mix them with the velvety avo goodness. Top with sautéed veggies and parmesan chez. Voila! A creamy Mediterranean party in yo mouth!

Tips From the Experts:

1. Make sure you squeeze every last drop of that lemon, you'll be happy you did.
2. Adjust the amounts of garlic and cilantro to the liking of your taste buds.
3. If you use brown rice pasta like we did, make sure to add a lil' squirt of olive oil to the drained noodz to avoid unnecessary stickin'.

You've wasted enough time in your life, now get down on this recipe and enjoy ya'self!

Love,

Jessica and Michaela

Asparagus: Your Urine's Nemesis or Your Best Friend?

So many of us American(ts) resort to pills and supplements to achieve numerous health, cosmetic, and wellness results, but why not rely on some delectable vegetables instead? Asparagus is a scrumptious gift from the heavens that is available all year round because it's what's known as a perennial vegetable.

Now we bet you are asking us, "Jessica and Michaela...Why, oh why is asparagus so expensive?"  and the answer is: ASPARAGUS IS AMAZING FOR YOUR BOD, THAT'S WHY. Are Chalupas from Taco Hell expensive? No, because they are as nutritionally beneficial to you as soggy cardboard; you get what you pay for, folks. Before you go mumbling and grumbling about the price of produce, take an Abe Lincoln out of your wallet and give a bundle of this little green plant a try. Here are some fun facts about our our delectable vegetable of the week:

1 - Asparagus can detoxify your system (hence why it makes your pee smell like rotten, painful death)

One cup of those delicious green sticks has 288 milligrams of potassium, which is good for eliminating your flabby abs. It's also packin' 3 grams of fiber which cleanses your hostile innards. It has virtually no natural sodium, so ladies this pertains to you: NO bloating when you're surfin' the red tide. Asparagus has no fat or cholesterol and one cup has only 40 calories. According to a clinical dietician at UCLA Medical Center, asparagus is the ultimate in detox vegetables, so get to munchin'.




2 - Asparagus has anti-aging functions


Worried about those premature wrinkles and crow's feet? Fret not, your collagen is safe with asparagus. Asparagus has a shit ton of Glutathione (GSH), which is an antioxidant that protects cells from toxins such as free radicals.

3 - Asparagus is considered an aphrodisiac

Are your evenings cold and lonely? Is your lover not loving? Do you not have to wash your sheets as often as you'd like? Well here's our solution: Serve up a dish of hot asparagus and savor the flavor, cause shit's about to GO DOWN.

4 - Asparagus reduces pain and inflammation

It's the folate that is responsible for this! If the world can have one less whiny blimp complaining of pain and inflammation, that's one less person we all want to punch in the face.

5 - Asparagus can protect against cancer

Cancer SUCKS! But you already know that.

6 - Asparagus can prevent osteoporosis and osteoarthritis

Don't want to look like a hunchback post retirement? It's the vitamin K that will do the trick, and combined with health benefit #'s 2 & 3, you'll be equipped to perform the horizontal dance for life!

 Like some parts of the human anatomy, some asparagus spears are thick and some are thin. The thick spears are great for steaming and baking, whereas the thinner spears are ideal for the grill. So next time you're grocery shopping, put down the Twinkies and head your ass over to the produce section, buy some asparagus, and get down on some green goodness. You'll be doing yourself and the world a favor by 1) Not looking as old, 2) Having a healthy sex drive, 3) Not grumbling about pain or inflammation, and 4) allowing your body to detox some of the shit you shove into it. However, no golden showers immediately following consumption, please.

URBAN DICTIONARY

1.	Golden Shower
	The act of urinating on another person, usually for sexual gratification, or as a way of humiliation.

Zesty Vegetable Gnocchi

I bet you are all wondering what the hell “Gnocchi” is. Well, these delightful Italian gems are dumplings made from potato. These are just as versatile as pasta noodles, as you just boil them until they pop up to the surface of the water, then top with your favorite sauce. Sounds bomb, right? You can thank us later when you try them and the party on your palate ensues. We accept gifts in the form of food, wine, and other unmentionables; use your imagination.


Welp... Here goes nothin!


Ingredients:

• 1 Package Gnocchi 17.6oz (We used whole wheat gnocchi)
• 1 Medium sized Zucchini, Sliced and Halved
• 1/2 Large White Onion
• 5 Crimini Mushrooms Sliced (Dependent on your love of shroomies; we used 6)
• 1 Jar Favorite Pasta Sauce 20oz (We used Trader Joe's Roasted Garlic Spaghetti Sauce)
• Cheese for Topping (We used Trader Joe's shaved parmesan, romano, and asiago cheese blend)
• Red Wine to Taste (Use drinking wine, NOT cooking wine. It's just better- trust us)

Start by chopping the onion, mushrooms and zucchini.

Next, sauté the vegetables in 3 tbsp olive oil, starting with zucchini for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently, then add onions and mushrooms until the onions are tender and the mushrooms shrink in size. Season to taste with preferred herbs (we used crushed red pepper, basil, and rosemary...but do whateva your lil' heart desires) and a splash of red wine. Reduce to low heat and let simmer.

Heat your favorite sauce on the stovetop, add sautéed veggies and allow to simmer.

Meanwhile, boil a pot of water and add uncooked gnocchi. Be VERY careful because these suckers cook quickly. Immediately after they float to the top, remove gnocchi and strain (approximately 2 minutes). Don't f*ck this up or else...

Finally, plate up that shizz and enjoy. Top with sauce, shaved cheese blend, and extra crushed red pepper. 

P.S.

Sit somewhere comfortable and away from small children because your mouth is about to 'gasm.

Tips From the Experts:

1. If you aren't a fan of shroomies, dice them up extra fine and you'll get the nutrients without freakin' out your taste buds.
2. Incase you missed our obvious hint regarding wine, whatever you do, do NOT use cooking sherry or any form of cooking wine. Use wine that you would like to drink. Cooking wine is weird. 'Nough said.