Asparagus: Your Urine's Nemesis or Your Best Friend?

So many of us American(ts) resort to pills and supplements to achieve numerous health, cosmetic, and wellness results, but why not rely on some delectable vegetables instead? Asparagus is a scrumptious gift from the heavens that is available all year round because it's what's known as a perennial vegetable.

Now we bet you are asking us, "Jessica and Michaela...Why, oh why is asparagus so expensive?"  and the answer is: ASPARAGUS IS AMAZING FOR YOUR BOD, THAT'S WHY. Are Chalupas from Taco Hell expensive? No, because they are as nutritionally beneficial to you as soggy cardboard; you get what you pay for, folks. Before you go mumbling and grumbling about the price of produce, take an Abe Lincoln out of your wallet and give a bundle of this little green plant a try. Here are some fun facts about our our delectable vegetable of the week:

1 - Asparagus can detoxify your system (hence why it makes your pee smell like rotten, painful death)

One cup of those delicious green sticks has 288 milligrams of potassium, which is good for eliminating your flabby abs. It's also packin' 3 grams of fiber which cleanses your hostile innards. It has virtually no natural sodium, so ladies this pertains to you: NO bloating when you're surfin' the red tide. Asparagus has no fat or cholesterol and one cup has only 40 calories. According to a clinical dietician at UCLA Medical Center, asparagus is the ultimate in detox vegetables, so get to munchin'.




2 - Asparagus has anti-aging functions


Worried about those premature wrinkles and crow's feet? Fret not, your collagen is safe with asparagus. Asparagus has a shit ton of Glutathione (GSH), which is an antioxidant that protects cells from toxins such as free radicals.

3 - Asparagus is considered an aphrodisiac

Are your evenings cold and lonely? Is your lover not loving? Do you not have to wash your sheets as often as you'd like? Well here's our solution: Serve up a dish of hot asparagus and savor the flavor, cause shit's about to GO DOWN.

4 - Asparagus reduces pain and inflammation

It's the folate that is responsible for this! If the world can have one less whiny blimp complaining of pain and inflammation, that's one less person we all want to punch in the face.

5 - Asparagus can protect against cancer

Cancer SUCKS! But you already know that.

6 - Asparagus can prevent osteoporosis and osteoarthritis

Don't want to look like a hunchback post retirement? It's the vitamin K that will do the trick, and combined with health benefit #'s 2 & 3, you'll be equipped to perform the horizontal dance for life!

 Like some parts of the human anatomy, some asparagus spears are thick and some are thin. The thick spears are great for steaming and baking, whereas the thinner spears are ideal for the grill. So next time you're grocery shopping, put down the Twinkies and head your ass over to the produce section, buy some asparagus, and get down on some green goodness. You'll be doing yourself and the world a favor by 1) Not looking as old, 2) Having a healthy sex drive, 3) Not grumbling about pain or inflammation, and 4) allowing your body to detox some of the shit you shove into it. However, no golden showers immediately following consumption, please.

URBAN DICTIONARY

1.	Golden Shower
	The act of urinating on another person, usually for sexual gratification, or as a way of humiliation.

Zesty Vegetable Gnocchi

I bet you are all wondering what the hell “Gnocchi” is. Well, these delightful Italian gems are dumplings made from potato. These are just as versatile as pasta noodles, as you just boil them until they pop up to the surface of the water, then top with your favorite sauce. Sounds bomb, right? You can thank us later when you try them and the party on your palate ensues. We accept gifts in the form of food, wine, and other unmentionables; use your imagination.


Welp... Here goes nothin!


Ingredients:

• 1 Package Gnocchi 17.6oz (We used whole wheat gnocchi)
• 1 Medium sized Zucchini, Sliced and Halved
• 1/2 Large White Onion
• 5 Crimini Mushrooms Sliced (Dependent on your love of shroomies; we used 6)
• 1 Jar Favorite Pasta Sauce 20oz (We used Trader Joe's Roasted Garlic Spaghetti Sauce)
• Cheese for Topping (We used Trader Joe's shaved parmesan, romano, and asiago cheese blend)
• Red Wine to Taste (Use drinking wine, NOT cooking wine. It's just better- trust us)

Start by chopping the onion, mushrooms and zucchini.

Next, sauté the vegetables in 3 tbsp olive oil, starting with zucchini for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently, then add onions and mushrooms until the onions are tender and the mushrooms shrink in size. Season to taste with preferred herbs (we used crushed red pepper, basil, and rosemary...but do whateva your lil' heart desires) and a splash of red wine. Reduce to low heat and let simmer.

Heat your favorite sauce on the stovetop, add sautéed veggies and allow to simmer.

Meanwhile, boil a pot of water and add uncooked gnocchi. Be VERY careful because these suckers cook quickly. Immediately after they float to the top, remove gnocchi and strain (approximately 2 minutes). Don't f*ck this up or else...

Finally, plate up that shizz and enjoy. Top with sauce, shaved cheese blend, and extra crushed red pepper. 

P.S.

Sit somewhere comfortable and away from small children because your mouth is about to 'gasm.

Tips From the Experts:

1. If you aren't a fan of shroomies, dice them up extra fine and you'll get the nutrients without freakin' out your taste buds.
2. Incase you missed our obvious hint regarding wine, whatever you do, do NOT use cooking sherry or any form of cooking wine. Use wine that you would like to drink. Cooking wine is weird. 'Nough said.